Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
