Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
