Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
