the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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