i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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