Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
