apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
