So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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