the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
