when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
