you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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