Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I didn't notice because vodka
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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