I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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