There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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