I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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