woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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