Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
