I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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