; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
