if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
