The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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