im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
