there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
