So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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