first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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