The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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