Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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