Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
A+ Viking dick
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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