don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
