the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
