Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
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