Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
