it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize