Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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