Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
