Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Randomize
