I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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