When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
