I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
