hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
