never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
