Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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