I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
