Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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