i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
