She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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