sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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