I wish I could teleport
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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