Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
