that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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