You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
