Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
