so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
