We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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