happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize