I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
