ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do you have feelings for this penis?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
