Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I want a musical about memes.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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