I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
